Dude, you nailed it with that brilliant thought. (If I steal it and add it to the essay, will I wind up having lunch with your lawyer?) Seriously, thank you for the support!
Larry, only you could write an essay that makes me laugh out loud with a line like, “To me, wearing a suit and tie was about as enjoyable as a Lidocaine-free root canal, one administered by a hungover first-year law student,” and then a few paragraphs later, quietly floor me with such a nuanced, compassionate understanding of human behavior. There is a beautiful contradiction here in how we can wound each other and still show up, how love and rivalry can coexist without ever fully resolving. Your ability to look at these moments without flattening anyone into a caricature is a real gift. It is always a joy to read your work.
You really tossed a bull's-eye with: "...how we can wound each other and still show up, how love and rivalry can coexist without ever fully resolving." That's called a slam dunk.
We carbon-based critters are so very complex. Too bad we don't come with instruction manuals, right?
I love this piece, Larry. The story of the picture is a mosaic of the family dynamics: your parents sharing their anniversary with the whole family on a cruise, everyone gathered, gussied up, for a photo and formal dinner, your dad in the center of the picture, the pivot point for the playfulness you initiate, and your brother's small aggression, throwing the mask at you. In your exchange of "Goofy weirdo," and "Vanilla normie" you name each other's strategies, and stand down from active conflict. The scene of sitting with your mother takes us deeper with you to fractal raw moment of loss your brother suffered. I find myself wondering what your mother did in the aftermath of his outburst? On some level, did she recognize his pain? Right here, you let us hold this unfinished moment with you.
Thank you, Alden. I remain impressed with your keen ability to see deep human meaning in so many elements the essays you read. That's a unique gift. Example: Seeing my dad "... in the center of the picture, the pivot point for the playfulness you initiate." Pure Gold.
After the initial shock of my brother's outburst, my mom actually laughed out loud for a second, perhaps as a way to deal with other emotions that came later. We never talked about this, which was par for the course with a family that buried deep feelings.
Anyway, thanks again for your insight and kind reflections! Much appreciated.
Larry, this is pure service to humanity in the form of storytelling, because through your personal experience you show us a universal truth about people, and specifically about the people who are closest to us and the kind of perspective and wisdom we need to hold so that we aren't undone by the vagaries of human fallibility and complexity. A wonderful telling and example of humanity's breadth.
Wow Larry... so powerful. I see this watching my two grandsons, the oldest is 6, the younger on 2 1/2. The dynamics of slipping between anger, tenderness, taking care of, playing, laughing happen instantly between them. But I can see those seeds of your own family in all this... it's truly fascinating how we each learned and still learn to navigate the world! Thanks for another excellent piece of writing.
It's interesting that you see the same dynamic in your two grandsons. In my case, this dynamic may be more pronounced, since my brother and I are Irish twins: we're slightly less than one year apart.
In any event, I've learned (the hard way) that many adults, myself included, are often kids in larger bodies. Actually evolving into a True Adult may take many lifetimes!! This is all a learning experience, right?
You articulate this familiar dynamic so well, Larry. It’s a challenge to interrupt family patterns and a tribute to you that your grace has enough depth to have your brother’s back in his challenging times.
It’s fabulous that he’s always there when you need him. That reliability must be of great comfort.
I can’t help but wonder if your brother has any awareness of his hot/cold aspects. But if situations are predictable, that’s something to be thankful for.
No, the hot/cold aspect is something my brother isn't aware of. I'm 100% certain of this. Still, he's always been there in hard times; it's a feast/famine thing.
Thanks to some of the comments I've received, just today I dusted off a print of the gag photo, and it's now framed and on my wall. As Rick says, we can see a more balanced picture, in retrospect, through the power of storytelling.
And for what it's worth: Every root canal I've had (3) has been pain free. However, to the best of my knowledge, they've all been done by DENTISTS! :>)
Good stuff, Larry. I catch myself often behaving not as myself but as some earlier version of myself that ought to fucking know better by this point. "I contain multitudes." It's helpful when you realize that ain't a metaphor.
And that Groucho gag pic--I hope you blew it up to 36X24 and hung it near your dining room table. That's where I'd put it.
Thanks, Norm. (Do you prefer "Norman"? BTW, I go by "Your Excellency.")
"I contain multitudes" really says it all, since we're not one-dimensional critters, are we?
As for the photo: I've been reluctant to frame and display that image for two decades, but now that I have a more balanced perspective about what happened and the "perfectly fallible" people involved, I'm going to do just that. (It's only 8x10, but that'll work for now.) In fact, I'm going to frame it right now. Mahalo...
Oops sent too soon…is hard to break. I’ve had a similar relationship with my sister and after decades, we are beginning to repair the wounds of those early years. Reading your post stirred up memories and a longing for full recovery. ❤️🩹
Thank you, Lee. We'd agree that sibling love, like sibling rivalry, is very, very powerful. The nice thing is that by reviewing this incident, and the long back story, today, I can see my brother's relationship with a broader, more expansive, more compassionate light. That's the power of storytelling.
This is what it looks like when love and old wounds share the same body.
How beautifully said ✨
Dude, you nailed it with that brilliant thought. (If I steal it and add it to the essay, will I wind up having lunch with your lawyer?) Seriously, thank you for the support!
Larry, only you could write an essay that makes me laugh out loud with a line like, “To me, wearing a suit and tie was about as enjoyable as a Lidocaine-free root canal, one administered by a hungover first-year law student,” and then a few paragraphs later, quietly floor me with such a nuanced, compassionate understanding of human behavior. There is a beautiful contradiction here in how we can wound each other and still show up, how love and rivalry can coexist without ever fully resolving. Your ability to look at these moments without flattening anyone into a caricature is a real gift. It is always a joy to read your work.
Thank you, Rachel.
You really tossed a bull's-eye with: "...how we can wound each other and still show up, how love and rivalry can coexist without ever fully resolving." That's called a slam dunk.
We carbon-based critters are so very complex. Too bad we don't come with instruction manuals, right?
That is for sure!
I love this piece, Larry. The story of the picture is a mosaic of the family dynamics: your parents sharing their anniversary with the whole family on a cruise, everyone gathered, gussied up, for a photo and formal dinner, your dad in the center of the picture, the pivot point for the playfulness you initiate, and your brother's small aggression, throwing the mask at you. In your exchange of "Goofy weirdo," and "Vanilla normie" you name each other's strategies, and stand down from active conflict. The scene of sitting with your mother takes us deeper with you to fractal raw moment of loss your brother suffered. I find myself wondering what your mother did in the aftermath of his outburst? On some level, did she recognize his pain? Right here, you let us hold this unfinished moment with you.
Thank you, Alden. I remain impressed with your keen ability to see deep human meaning in so many elements the essays you read. That's a unique gift. Example: Seeing my dad "... in the center of the picture, the pivot point for the playfulness you initiate." Pure Gold.
After the initial shock of my brother's outburst, my mom actually laughed out loud for a second, perhaps as a way to deal with other emotions that came later. We never talked about this, which was par for the course with a family that buried deep feelings.
Anyway, thanks again for your insight and kind reflections! Much appreciated.
Larry, this is pure service to humanity in the form of storytelling, because through your personal experience you show us a universal truth about people, and specifically about the people who are closest to us and the kind of perspective and wisdom we need to hold so that we aren't undone by the vagaries of human fallibility and complexity. A wonderful telling and example of humanity's breadth.
Thank you, Rick. The manner in which I told this story was greatly enhanced by your very valuable input. Much appreciated!
We humans are indeed complex critters, and everyone has their good and not-so-good sides. I now realize this through the magic of storytelling.
Wow Larry... so powerful. I see this watching my two grandsons, the oldest is 6, the younger on 2 1/2. The dynamics of slipping between anger, tenderness, taking care of, playing, laughing happen instantly between them. But I can see those seeds of your own family in all this... it's truly fascinating how we each learned and still learn to navigate the world! Thanks for another excellent piece of writing.
Thank you, Linda.
It's interesting that you see the same dynamic in your two grandsons. In my case, this dynamic may be more pronounced, since my brother and I are Irish twins: we're slightly less than one year apart.
In any event, I've learned (the hard way) that many adults, myself included, are often kids in larger bodies. Actually evolving into a True Adult may take many lifetimes!! This is all a learning experience, right?
Thanks again.
…that’s a good brother, a good friend, a good human, and the glasses a good gag…we could really use the normalization of gag props in everydayistance…
Thanks, CansaFis.
For starters, I think we can agree that the White House and Capitol Hill can use a few hundred of those glasses, right?
BTW, your photos keep BLOWING. ME. AWAY. Keep shootin, my friend.
You articulate this familiar dynamic so well, Larry. It’s a challenge to interrupt family patterns and a tribute to you that your grace has enough depth to have your brother’s back in his challenging times.
It’s fabulous that he’s always there when you need him. That reliability must be of great comfort.
I can’t help but wonder if your brother has any awareness of his hot/cold aspects. But if situations are predictable, that’s something to be thankful for.
Love your first year “law” student.
Thank you, Kathy.
No, the hot/cold aspect is something my brother isn't aware of. I'm 100% certain of this. Still, he's always been there in hard times; it's a feast/famine thing.
Thanks to some of the comments I've received, just today I dusted off a print of the gag photo, and it's now framed and on my wall. As Rick says, we can see a more balanced picture, in retrospect, through the power of storytelling.
And for what it's worth: Every root canal I've had (3) has been pain free. However, to the best of my knowledge, they've all been done by DENTISTS! :>)
Love that you framed that photo and hung it up. It’s priceless. Yes, stories give perspective.
This inspires me to flat-out ask questions of a family member I’ve never asked. I wish I’d asked my dad more. There’s little to lose at this point.
I appreciate that you wrote this, Larry. I find it incredibly helpful to see this situation in writing from someone else.
I can only imagine who cooked up this gag (you, for instance — LOL).
Good stuff, Larry. I catch myself often behaving not as myself but as some earlier version of myself that ought to fucking know better by this point. "I contain multitudes." It's helpful when you realize that ain't a metaphor.
And that Groucho gag pic--I hope you blew it up to 36X24 and hung it near your dining room table. That's where I'd put it.
Thanks, Norm. (Do you prefer "Norman"? BTW, I go by "Your Excellency.")
"I contain multitudes" really says it all, since we're not one-dimensional critters, are we?
As for the photo: I've been reluctant to frame and display that image for two decades, but now that I have a more balanced perspective about what happened and the "perfectly fallible" people involved, I'm going to do just that. (It's only 8x10, but that'll work for now.) In fact, I'm going to frame it right now. Mahalo...
Larry, this piece hits home. I think it will resonate with anyone who’s dethroned a slightly older sibling. This love/hate hurt/protect syndrome
Oops sent too soon…is hard to break. I’ve had a similar relationship with my sister and after decades, we are beginning to repair the wounds of those early years. Reading your post stirred up memories and a longing for full recovery. ❤️🩹
Thank you, Lee. We'd agree that sibling love, like sibling rivalry, is very, very powerful. The nice thing is that by reviewing this incident, and the long back story, today, I can see my brother's relationship with a broader, more expansive, more compassionate light. That's the power of storytelling.
Yes, it can take a long time before we can remove ourselves from the central role of every childhood injury.